Missing S01E01 (ABC, 2012)

I've never been an Ashley Judd fan. There's Julia Roberts tits-and-teeth-from-another-planet, and there's Sandra Bullock girl-next-door, and then there's Judd. Spunky, I suppose is the word. I've liked her work: ... all I can remember is Heat. Oh there were those movies with Morgan Freeman. Okay: the one movie with Freeman. All of which has shit to do with Missing, a low brow approach to girl-power as lion-mother-in-search-of-offspring kind of action-thriller-espionage-adventure that was brought low by its dum as nuts execution. I got twelve minutes into it. Where's Cliff? I cried to the hills. I'm only really watching this shit for Cliff Curtis! There was no answer from the hills. After the thirteenth minute, I cried uncle.

Awake S01E01-02 (NBC, 2012)

I used to get Jason Isaacs mixed up with Timothy Dalton heaps back in the day. Smartypants out there might point out that it was Isaacs who did a lot of villain roles before transitioning to goodie-goods, while it was the reverse for Dalton. Whatever.

All of which has very little to do with Awake, a tidy police procedural that tries to meld the cool stuff from Memento and Matrix (without the sci fi garble), all in a post-Life on Mars (UK) zeitgeisty capture-lightning-in-a-bottle (and hope you don't fry) kind of way. Unfortunately, the show fails terribly - not miserably, just terribly - through adhering to a mystery-of-the-week ethos that constrains suffocates the dreams and possibilities of the show into a 45-minute slog of bullshit TV-cop-show blah, admirably accurate TV psychology talk, and too-fucking-convenient-to-fucking-swallow detective work.

Maybe it's just my anti-Americanism, but the celebration of consequence-free I-want-my-cake-and-eat-it-too just sticks in my craw.

Love your work, Jas' - let's have some more of that Case Histories soon, eh?

Hung - Season 3 (HBO, 2009-)

I bought this -, no:  there was a 'buy two DVDs and get the third one FREE' deal at JB Hifi late last year, and maybe someone had recommended it, or maybe I'd read a good write-up, or maybe I was using The Force, but I got the first season of this sight unseen, and boy was it a refreshing poke in the eye.

The second season continued its journey of a Well-Hung Hero Who Was Yet to Grow Up - but by the last quarter of that season, the interactions between his Pimp-of-Frustratingly-Inconsistent-Behaviour and her nemesis, A-Most-Convenient-Cunt, were getting a bit, well, stupid.

The third season is/was... a write-off.  Where's the character-driven plot that made me uncross my legs in the first place?  Where's the character-motivated humour that made me choke on my food?

Now it's all slapstick and dick jokes.

What the fuck, people?

Maybe you peaked early.

Kidnap & Ransom - Season 2

Well serve me fucking right for watching this through to the end.

What's the best thing I could say about this turd?  It did not disappoint.

Justified S03E01-07

Ooohh-eee, this puppy's just like The Shield in it's ass-kickin', shit-, piss- and asshole-laden days.

Oooohheee!

WTF?

Hey what happened to the anonymity of torrentshill.blogspot.com?

I could've been anywhere.

But now THEY KNOW WHERE I RESIDE.

Sheeeit.

Mad Dogs S02E01 (Sky1, 2012)

Ah, the boys are back.

But things haven't progressed really.  They've survived one thing but writer Cris Cole can see all sorts of potential in having them continue to make the stupidest of mistakes under the guise of they're just ordinary blokes, like.  And we're only ten minutes in.  Except it felt twice, no, four times as long as the plot ground along.

In my experience, ordinary blokes tend to learn shit.  They tend to think a bit more.

And - Jesus H Fucking Christ - it's been renewed for a third motherfucking season.

Kidnap & Ransom S02E01 (ITV, 2012)

If one ever needed proof that mediocrity is no barrier to television longevity*, look no further than this vanity vehicle.

Season One was a hamfisted concoction of cliches which I thought I'd seen the last of at the end of its season finale.  No such luck.

This season opener, with Trevor Eve looking ever so dashing and smart and fit and Tom Cruise-like behind his sunglasses, didn't disappoint those who wanted more of the shit-sandwich that they loved so much in the first season.

And I'm only fifteen minutes in.

I may do an update at some point, if I can be bothered to finish this ep.

*  Longevity is relative, of course:  a show that gets into a second season is, in my books, at near-veteran status.

Homeland S01 - Debrief

Sooo... he mighta been, but he wasn't, then he was.

All the while, our Heroine becomes less and less palatable.

And in the end, an old walnut holds true: The Black Guy always dies.

Homeland S01E06

This shit is good.

Heroine's a bitch - but no more or less than a male hero equivalent who
pisses and shits all over his family, friends and work JUST TO MAKE HIS
FUCKING CASE.

Alcatraz S01E02

I know: if the pilot was so underwhelming, why go back like a dog to
its puke?

Because -

Oh fuck it: I was weak, okay?

And how else would I learn this: a female cop with a hard-on is neither
sexy nor fun to watch.

Unless that's your thing.

Alcatraz S01E01 (Fox, 2012)

Hey this is just like "Fringe": blonde cop, quirky sidekick, mystery
boss, enigma within a mystery within a ... zzzzz.

Only hung in for the full pilot because I'm a Sam Neill fan.

Drive (Nicholas Winding Refn/Hossein Amini, 2011)

Fucking AWESOME.

Sherlock S02E01

Not bad.

A bit of a shaggy dog, plot wise.

Otherwise, not bad.

Midnight in Paris (Woody Allen, 2011)

I don't often fall asleep during films but with this one I did.

Could it be the lack of chemistry between... everyone?

Could it... zzzzz

The Closer S07E11

"Oh look, The Closer's back from hiatus."

"I'd rather douse my genitals in a flammable liquid and set it alight with a road flare."

"Jesus, I was just saying -"

"'M jus' sayin', too, yo."

Killer Elite (Gary McKendry/Matt Sherring, 2011)

ME: What the FUCK is De Niro doing in [this] pulpy '80s throwback?

SMS-A-FRIEND: He's doing everything and anything. Can't remember the last good film he did.

ME: Why Bobby WHHHYYYYY?

Daredevil - Director's Cut (Mark Steven Johnston, 2003)

I first watched this wretched film at the theatres and FUCK was I
disappointed.

I had expected a flying brick, and I got a flying brick, albeit clad in
red leather.

I had heard rumours that the director's cut, a more mature creature than
the theatrical release, was more than forgivable.

So when it popped up on my feeds, I gave it a whirl.

Aaannd it's still a wretched, wretched, WRETCHED little turd of a film.

Yet writer-director Johnston somehow, inexplicably, got the "Preacher"
gig after this, Jesus H Christ on a fucking stick.

At least Ben got Jennifer out of it.

Downton Abbey S02

Ach that was fun.

But I can't help but wonder: does familiarity breed a suspicion of soap opera melodramatics?

Just saying.

Hidden S01E04

If "The Shadow Line" collapsed under the weight of its style, sheen and
operatic melodrama, "The Hidden" does the same, only with overfamiliar
devices, dialogue and plotting.

Shame on the writers for writing such piffle.

Shame on the director and producers for not demanding more from their
writers.

And my sympathy for actors - generally not my favourite homo sapiens -
for having to spout such rubbish.